So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
