you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
