i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
