Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize