The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
