I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
