she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
foreskin is a definite game changer
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
