so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
