Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
