i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
