I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
