..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
