Say something about gay babies.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
