my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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