Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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