If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
