does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
