Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
