he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
