9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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