$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
