On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
