happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
