I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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