At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
