she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
