Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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