Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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