the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
