i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
