Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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