Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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