My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
