We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
