My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
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