I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
