My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize