...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
