WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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