You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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