then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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