i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
