Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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