I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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