The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
