Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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