guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
