i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love having hate sex.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Cover your peen. We're going out.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
