I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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