She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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