i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
