I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
