what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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