1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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