i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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