Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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