I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
